He Flirts with Me But STILL Has a Girlfriend!
Dear Molly,
I’m 16 and recently went back to work at the restaurant I worked at the previous summer. I was surprised to find out that J., 20, had started to work there on the same day that I came back. We worked together last summer, I had no strong feelings for him this way or that.
I began to flirt with him immediately, normally I wouldn’t do this, but I am comfortable around him. He’s always set me at ease. I did childish things like throw parsley at him, he often attempted to throw it right back.
Anyway, as time went on we’d stand close together in the doorway, just subtle flirtatious things like that. Later, he began to flirt back with me by putting me in headlocks and lightly pushing me. Sometimes we’d hold hands until the next session of flirtation began.
To make a long story short (I’m sorry! I don’t want to bore you! ^^;;) I asked him if he had a girlfriend, and he said he did. I almost slapped myself, was he ever planning on telling me if I never asked? I guess I should have asked earlier, but maybe I didn’t want to know if he did…
So even though I really liked him I tried to not flirt with him, I felt that things were just “weird,” because it feels so natural to have the flirtation between us. I don’t want to hurt his girlfriend, but I can’t help the way I feel…
So later after I pretty much had stopped my advances, he starts to flirt with ME again! (not vice versa!) What am I supposed to do?! I flirt back, because I still have strong feelings for him.
One night when we worked alone we got drunk (well I had 2 beers, he had 3) and we played around some more. We did the normal flirty things that we usually do, stand really close together, he holds me and runs his mouth/face over my neck/collarbone. Then our boss shows up, we scramble outside and I ride around with him in his car (I was afraid to drive).
He said he wanted to have sex with me, and I told him, “No way. I’m a virgin. I’d never have sex with you unless I really really liked you and you were my boyfriend.”
I told him the last part to be nice. I’m really saving myself for marriage. Later before he dropped me off and said that he wanted to kiss me, but he said he shouldn’t because, A. I’m “too young”, and B. he has a GF. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him Goodnight. That way his GF can’t be mad at him.
Another night (next week) we got drunk again at work, I had 3 wine spritzers and he had a beer. We fooled around some more and I kissed him, or he kissed me…I don’t know. He told me I was a good kisser (but you never know because boys lie! :-P) and that he wanted me to kiss him again. I eventually end up kissing him more and more that night before we went over another restaurant that my boss owns. He’s my second kiss, and I love kissing him. Of course, because I was drunk I told him that when I was kissing my first kiss I was thinking about him. (I was!)
He told me that he would date me if he didn’t have a girlfriend already, I told him that I would wait for him…oh, he also said that he likes me.
He also told me that someone told his girl that I had a crush on him. We think it was one of the waitstaff, that told one of HER friends, that told his girl. (Yes, one big long chain of ppl ^^;;) I asked if he would act weird around me when that certain waitress was around, first he said probably, and then he said he would act the same around me. I was happy when he said that, I don’t want things to change. Oh, this was also on another day of working alone together, we were sober!
So the day after our kiss, he acts Coldly around me. He tries to avoid me if possible, and barely talks to me. The next day is kind of the same, but he tells me he had a huge fight with his girlfriend (that wants to beat me up..) partly over me. He told me that he told his girl that he didn’t care about me.
So here I am. I’m confused and lost. I really like him. I don’t want to get burned, but it appears to be too late. I know that if I dated him, I would be the only one..but how would I be for sure when he flirts with me and has a girl?! I don’t want to have these doubts, I trust him completely.
How should I act around him? What should I do? I just want to flirt with him, and he with me, and have everything be alright.
I can’t stop thinking about him, and I just want him to come back to me. What has his problem been lately? I just don’t understand. I can’t turn to anyone else for help.
Thanks!
~ Hurt and Confused
Dear H&C,
Doesn’t it feel GREAT to be desired by the desirable? It’s intoxicating, huh? The BEST! Even without the beer and wine spritzers. (I’ll save that lecture. You’re welcome.) In life there is little that is more intensely exciting than fresh, new attraction. AND Here you are, but this guy is not actually available. You and he are having fun, and both your egos are being fed well - especially HIS. I’m sure you’re familiar with the expression “having his cake and eating it too?” He has all the comforts of a committed relationship and all the excitement of a new one at the same time! Wow!!! Fun!
At this point, you must ask yourself what it is that YOU want.Though he is attractive and fun, and you have a fantastic rapport with him, the fact that he is in a relationship with someone else prevents him from being capable of giving you what you want and deserve. He will happily continue on having his cake and eating it too, as long as you allow it. If you want a boyfriend, you have to choose a young man who wants a girlfriend. This guy already has one!
One of life’s most challenging lessons with regard to relationships is that you have control only over YOU. In this situation, the way I see it is that you have two choices:
1. Keep doing what you’re doing because you have decided that being “the other woman” serves you.
2. Cut him loose.I wish it could be different, but sadly, you don’t have control over what HE does. You must trust that if you and he are meant to be together, you will be - even if you make choice number 2…
Sincerely,
Dr. Love
Ask Dr. Love your relationship and romance question.
Comments
Leave a Reply
