He says he loves me but won’t kiss me
Dear Molly,
I’ve been seeing a guy on/off for about 4 years now. (Both 22) We were instantly attracted the day we met 6 yrs ago at work and that day he asked me out but I said no, don’t get me wrong I should have, I had butterflies in my stomach but did not know anything about the guy and was scared.
We used to flirt like crazy with each other until he lost his job and I didn’t see him for a year. We bumped into each other and things started happening despite the fact he was with someone. It ended with them but then I went to university so we both thought a relationship would be hard so we didn’t get together.
Since then we have both been in relationships whilst being involved with each other, sometimes physically but mainly just emotionally, we would phone and text each other daily despite me being away at school. For the past year we have been unofficially seeing each other off and on, he says he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone right now (he doesn’t know why, he just doesn’t). I’ve asked if he thinks we will ever have a relationship in the future and he just doesn’t know but admitted if we did it would be great.
He constantly reassures me he cares for me and has strong feelings for me as I do him. We both say we don’t want to lose each other as we have grown so close we regard each other as best friends. To add to the complication he says he doesn’t like kissing. I know he has done so with his gfs (he says he didn’t particularly like it then either) but he won’t kiss me. We do everything but he can’t give me a solid reason for this either, just says he doesn’t particularly like it.
This and the non-commitment causes arguments and sometimes either one of us calls it a day saying we should just be platonic friends, every time we do we end up with each other again. I’ve walked away from the whole situation three times before, taking advice from friends, thinking it would be better for us. But because I class him as one of my best friends it hurts me, I don’t want to give up such a good friendship. He refuses to give my things back and tells me it’s because he doesn’t want to let go. Each time I do this it hurts him badly and I don’t want to do it again.
Is this guy stringing me along? I don’t think so but why wont he kiss or commit to me? Is this normal? Should I stop reading too much into this and not need a label on our relationship?
I am happy with him the way things are but need a clearer view of if this is a lost cause or if there is a more secure future ahead.
Confused
Dear Confused,This guy sounds like a soul mate, like a wonderful friend! You are fortunate to have made such a solid and resilient connection with someone. It is rare and should not be lost.
That being said, this wonderful guy isn’t capable of being everything you want and deserve in a romantic partner.
He doesn’t like kissing? That IS unusual. Is there a chance he might be gay? Maybe he hasn’t even admitted it to himself, let alone tell anyone else! If he is, it’s likely he wishes he felt “normal,” which is why he easily admits you’d be a great couple if… If he is gay, then his behavior is easily explained. He does love you, as much as is possible, and in the only way he is capable of. Allow that. He’s fabulous!You may completely reject that last paragraph, but either way, you need to look elsewhere for the love of your life. Regardless, he loves you as much as he is capable of, and it’s not enough for you. His inability to commit to you in the way you want him to is proof. Four years is more than ample time for you two to figure out whether you’re meant for each other. You still don’t know, so my guess is that you’re not.Stay friends! Accept him as he is, and look elsewhere for a romantic partner.Sincerely,Dr. Love
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