He Says He Loves Me But Won’t Make a Commitment

August 23, 2008 · Filed Under Letters to Molly

Dear Dr. Love,

I have been dating a commitment phobic individual off and on for over a year and as can be expected, the relationship has been a roller coaster ride.

He has always returned with humble apologies and I have always forgiven. I really like him, enjoy his wit, humor, and he is very intelligent. However things have recently gotten very sticky. A mutual friend has caused a major rift between the two of us, that I do not know if it can be crossed.

In short an argument ensued about my ex-boyfriend and myself sleeping together after he told me he was not ready for a commitment (again). I told our friend that I would not go there again, however, I did not keep my word and I stayed with him. When our friend found out a confrontation between the two of them became a big blow out and neither my ex nor I really understood it. It would seem that my friend and my ex-boyfriend will most likely recover, as they have been friends much longer, though things may be different between them.

As far as myself and my ex, I do not know. We parted ways awkwardly and I left without saying goodbye, and shed a few tears. Prior to the incident he wanted to remain friends (for convenience?) now I don’t know where I stand.

Should I try to contact him and discuss this with him or should I let it go and wait to see if I hear from him?

If I do hear from him do I discuss the incident or do I blow it off? Or am I better off just walking away completely and write if off as a loss though I will miss him dearly.

I am truly at a loss.

Dear Lost,

I am struck by the idea that your “friend” may have unspoken feelings for you. Otherwise, why would he care so much whether your and your “ex” are sleeping together? Ok, ok, maybe he’s actually THAT noble. In all likelihood he is confident that his friend (your “ex”) has no plans to make a formal commitment to you, no matter how much he might care for you. Despite this, he can’t seem to let you go, and you continue allowing him back. This could be very frustrating for a man who would like his own chance with you!

Whether my assumption is true or not, what seems clear is that your ex does not want to have a committed relationship. If a committed relationship is what YOU want, then you need to walk away. Write it off, but not as a loss, as a lesson. If you want a commitment, don’t fall for a guy who doesn’t.

It sounds as if you and your ex have already “parted ways.” It’s your choice as to whether feel you need to say anything more. If you decide to speak to him, really examine what you expect to gain from that. What do you want, and what are the odds of getting it? I think you know the answers.

I would highly recommend you run out and get a book titled: “He’s Just Not That Into You: (The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys)” by Greg Behrendt. The title sounds mean, but let me tell you girl, it’s empowering, and it’s funny! You’ll never again question yourself or waste your time analyzing a man again. You’ve got better things to do!

Sincerely,
Dr. Love